Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mixing It Up



Mom is beginning to get a her words mixed up. For awhile she would forget names of grandkids and other people. We all do that from time to time, but self-correct. The difference is that Mom doesn’t know the difference.

Recently, I went to the doc’s with Mom and Dad. I dropped them off and went run a quick errand. They both were there for basic monitoring. By the time I was ushered back to the exam room, the doc was asking Mom how she was doing. Mom gave the usual answer, “Fine”. He looked right at me and asked how things were going. I hate that! I felt like I was betraying her, I was being disloyal. My head knew I had to report accurately, but my heart hated doing it with her right there. It sucked!

I reported that her memory was not better and that she was having difficulty with organization and complex thinking. Mom just sat there with a blank stare on her face. I don’t even know if she understood what I was saying. Anyway, she was put on additional memory medicine, Nemenda. That just means that she is entering into another phase of Alzheimer’s. As if I didn’t know that already.

As I said in the beginning, she is now mixing up her words. One evening I was cooking dinner (Isn’t this ironic – I hate to cook and here I am cooking most nights – what is God thinking??? He must have a twisted sense of humor and getting a laugh out of this one; I guess I will have to ask Him that one over a cup of hot chocolate when we meet – sorry I digress).

Back to dinner….spinach was cooking on the stove. Mom takes a peek and says, “Oh the lettuce is cooking”. Another time she was looking for her ceramic bunny for our Easter basket in the front hall. I suggested that she look in the secretary. She looked in the dining room corner hutch. This scene repeated itself the next night. I wanted to see if she knew where to look. She went right to the hutch, again. I suggested she look in the secretary in the living room. Then she found the bunny. The other night I was thawing chicken in the microwave. Each time Mom went to check on the thawing, she would look in the oven, even though I said it was in the microwave. I would then redirect her to the microwave. What is weird is that she doesn’t seem to react to the redirecting. She just says, “Oh yea”. Maybe this is the silver lining. Mom doesn’t know that she is slipping down the slope a little bit at a time. Then again, I don’t know if somewhere in all of the tangled fibers of her brain, she knows she is slipping, but can’t articulate it. I pray for the former; the latter is more painful for her. And for me.

As for the new med, I figure the meds are really for the family of the one with Alzheimer’s. It helps the family feel like they are doing something to combat this disease. Not even close.

We just keep moving through our days. I am learning to truly appreciate her moments of clarity. And I pray for patience when those moments evaporate like sunbeams slicing through the morning mist.

Peace,

JaneEllen

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My Twisted Humor

Whenever I am travelling and sitting up late at night in my hotel room, my thoughts drift back to home. First, my heart first is pulled in the direction of my girls. Oh how lucky I am. They are my jewels and I am blessed to have them in my life. They are my light.

Then I wonder how my parents are doing. I live with them to help them navigate through the daily activities that they use to traverse with ease. Now the smallest bend in the road can easily throw them off course. Between Mom’s memory loss and Dad’s failing eyesight, life has become a challenge. I worry about them.

There are days when you just have to laugh. Other times the internal scream goes off in my head, because Mom has asked me for the umpteenth time if I ate lunch. It is the light moments that keep my going, even those with fringed with sad reality.

Last week we got about ten inches of snow. Despite the weather, Mom had an appointment with her ear doctor. Her ears were blocked and she couldn’t hear without us shouting to her. She had to go that day or wait till the following week to see the doc. On our way, she asks me when my vacation was over. Huh???? I told her I wasn’t on vacation. She said, “Well you are always home”. I replied that I work from home (I have worked from since 2002) and that I work at my desk in the office. “Oh, did that start already?”. The way she said it made me chuckle. And it made my heart sink, a little. I know this is the course of this ugly disease, but at times it just smacks me in the head. Still, with time, it is funny – in a twisted humorous way.

I go home tomorrow and don’t know what I will find. The house will be there, but the TV won’t be “working” because neither one of them can figure out how to use the TV/cable combination. The dog will have peed on the living room rug, because they don’t walk the dog when he whines to go out and Mom forgets to close the kitchen gate. And who knows what else. Despite all of this, I miss them. They won’t always be there, so at the end of the day, I am lucky to still have them with me.

Maybe that is why God gave me the ability to see the twisted humor in this journey. It is my built-in defense against the insanity that could set in, if I let it.



JaneEllen