Clickety Clack Goes the Train

Unlike the rest of us, who can logically work through a complex or even simple issue, Mom can not. From what I have read about Alzheimer’s, plaque forms around the neurons, preventing neuron A from “connecting” to neuron B. In more medical terms the synapse (space between adjoining neurons) is nonexistent. In short, the connection is broken. I liken this to a train track where the track suddenly comes to an end. The train reverses itself and travels back over the intact track. Once the train returns to the station, it travels forward again, stopping again where the track ends. In essence the train just keeps going back and forth over and over the same piece of track. This is Mom’s brain. It never reaches a logical conclusion, but it keeps chugging on and on. She ruminates over ideas for hours, perhaps days.

On this particular day, Mom is ruminating about homosexuality. This may have come about because I had recently gone to an evening of Gay Bingo in Philly. By the way, this is a fun evening that raises funds for those living with AIDS. Anyway, the train begins to chug along the track.

It is just the two of us in the kitchen, fixing dinner. She looks at me and asks, “How do you know if you are a homosexual?”. OK…..this one is for the book. It is a conversation I never imagined having with my 77 year old mother. Plus, she stretched out the word so it sounded like ho—mo—sex—ual. She never used the word Gay or any other word.

Me: “Well, homosexuals are people who are attracted to someone of the same sex.”
Mom: “A man likes a man and a woman likes a woman,”
“Yes, that’s it”, I reply, figuring that would be it. After all, we have had many discussions on Gay marriages, so I am still surprised by her question.

Here is where the train backs up, returns to the station and repeats the trip many times over.

“But,” Mom adds, “I have girlfriends who I love, does that mean I am a homosexual?”

“Mom,” my voice is stern, “Do you want to have intimate physical relations with any of them?”

Mom takes on the look of a stumped Edith Bunker, slowly replying with a “Nnnnoooo. But I am attracted to them. So when does a person know if they are a homosexual?”

“Do you get a feeling of ‘Ooooohhhh’ deep within when you think of your friends – like you do when you think of Dad?”

Mom pauses to think…”Nnnnoooo”.

“Well, Mom, my guess is that you are not homosexual. Given that you had five kids, you’re not a homosexual.”

A variation of this conversation repeats three more times. Clickety clack, clickety clack, the train keeps moving, never fully resting.

I don’t know if the issue ever resolves itself for Mom. What I do know, is that she is not critical of Gays. She is trying to sort through a lifestyle that she is not familiar with nor understands, but somewhere in her mind there is an awareness.

It is her tolerance of others, even those she doesn’t fully understand, that is one of Mom’s core truths. It is this value that made her an awesome teacher of her special ed students, who often fell outside the norm.

In spite of the slow erosion of her brain cells, the mom I have known and admired, continues to be true to her core self. Recognizing Mom in the midst of all her confusion is God’s gift to me and all of the family.

I know the clickety clack of the train will grow louder over time. I keep the hope that Mom’s core will remain for as long as possible. This is the hope of all who are walking along the tracks with their loved ones. We are not alone in our walk.

Peace,

JaneEllen