When people learn that I am living with my parents to help them out because Mom has Alzheimer’s, I hear, “Oh, that must be hard. You are such a good person to do it.” This is accompanied by a look mixed with concern and sympathy. Truth be told, I lose my patience – a lot. I try not to show it. But hell, I am not perfect. I am very far from perfection. When I hear this sentiment expressed over and over, I place an unrealistic expectation on myself that I have to strive to be perfect. Since the last human who walked on water lived over 2,000 years ago, I seriously doubt that perfection is an attainable goal. More to the point if I am perfect, then I am no longer authentic; no longer real; no longer a person with needs; no longer me. Yet, there are those nagging thoughts that I have to have the patience of Job. Ok, I am not there. It is not in me. What is in me is layers of patience that are slowly erode like sand on a beach. Eventually, a wave washes away my last thin layer of patience and ugliness rises to the surface. It comes in the form of extreme verbal exasperation. Well, maybe not extreme, but noticeable to me.
This past weekend was a wonderful time spent with family and friends. It was also exhausting. I was trying to keep everything organized and running smoothly. I am, by my own admission, an A type person. Organization and control are second nature to me. In the midst of my soaring “A”, there was a car accident. You know, nothing derails an “A” plan like a car accident. No one was hurt, thankfully. However it really cut into my mood. I gave this disruption power. I was grumpy on the inside and not so patient on the outside. In short, my “A” game was off. That was Saturday afternoon.
On Sunday, I had to pack and leave for a 3 day work trip. This was the third overnight trip in 3 weeks. I was not thrilled about traveling. On top of this, I had to call the insurance company, report the accident and find a rental car for Dad. Yep, it was his car in the accident and it was parked in the lot of the auto body shop. Shit! Despite repeatedly telling Mom and Dad where I was going, they continually ask me where I was headed. My patience was down to zip. Gone – spent – finito!
By the time I left I was snapping out curt replies; my internal scream had become a very audible grunt. I felt horrible, but couldn’t help it. I wonder, at times like this, if is it simply easier for them to ask the same question over and over, than to take a nano second to think and remember for themselves. As with every trip I posted my itinerary on the kitchen cupboard, but they still ask. Why do I bother with the itinerary?!?! That is when the grunting and snapping is at its peak.
Recently, I was in the pediatrician’s office, listening to the nurse practioner pontificate about patience when dealing with my mother. Apparently, her mother had Alzheimer’s, thus making her a self-appointed authority on the subject of living with Alzheimer’s. She kept saying how she was sooooo patient with her mother. On the tip of my tongue was the question, “Did she live with you?” I quickly realized that her mother was in a nursing home, making it infinitely easier to be patient during a visit, as opposed to the 24/7 experience that we live. That I live.
There you have it. The confessions of an internal screamer. Luckily, most days are not like this. Luckily, I have a supportive cadre of family and friends who are willing to listen to my rants. The best part is they just listen, for that is all I need at that moment. Luckily, there is God, who listens to my rants, continues to love me, helping me to re-center myself so I can take the step on my journey with Mom. I couldn’t do it without Him or the loving people He has placed in my life. You know who you are…thank you ever so much for your love, hugs and support.
Peace,
JaneEllen
This past weekend was a wonderful time spent with family and friends. It was also exhausting. I was trying to keep everything organized and running smoothly. I am, by my own admission, an A type person. Organization and control are second nature to me. In the midst of my soaring “A”, there was a car accident. You know, nothing derails an “A” plan like a car accident. No one was hurt, thankfully. However it really cut into my mood. I gave this disruption power. I was grumpy on the inside and not so patient on the outside. In short, my “A” game was off. That was Saturday afternoon.
On Sunday, I had to pack and leave for a 3 day work trip. This was the third overnight trip in 3 weeks. I was not thrilled about traveling. On top of this, I had to call the insurance company, report the accident and find a rental car for Dad. Yep, it was his car in the accident and it was parked in the lot of the auto body shop. Shit! Despite repeatedly telling Mom and Dad where I was going, they continually ask me where I was headed. My patience was down to zip. Gone – spent – finito!
By the time I left I was snapping out curt replies; my internal scream had become a very audible grunt. I felt horrible, but couldn’t help it. I wonder, at times like this, if is it simply easier for them to ask the same question over and over, than to take a nano second to think and remember for themselves. As with every trip I posted my itinerary on the kitchen cupboard, but they still ask. Why do I bother with the itinerary?!?! That is when the grunting and snapping is at its peak.
Recently, I was in the pediatrician’s office, listening to the nurse practioner pontificate about patience when dealing with my mother. Apparently, her mother had Alzheimer’s, thus making her a self-appointed authority on the subject of living with Alzheimer’s. She kept saying how she was sooooo patient with her mother. On the tip of my tongue was the question, “Did she live with you?” I quickly realized that her mother was in a nursing home, making it infinitely easier to be patient during a visit, as opposed to the 24/7 experience that we live. That I live.
There you have it. The confessions of an internal screamer. Luckily, most days are not like this. Luckily, I have a supportive cadre of family and friends who are willing to listen to my rants. The best part is they just listen, for that is all I need at that moment. Luckily, there is God, who listens to my rants, continues to love me, helping me to re-center myself so I can take the step on my journey with Mom. I couldn’t do it without Him or the loving people He has placed in my life. You know who you are…thank you ever so much for your love, hugs and support.
Peace,
JaneEllen
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